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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24989269">The Art of Relaxation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccidentallyObsessed/pseuds/AccidentallyObsessed'>AccidentallyObsessed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Where You Stand, I Stand [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Caring Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Couch Cuddles, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, James T. Kirk Needs a Hug, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:55:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,932</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24989269</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccidentallyObsessed/pseuds/AccidentallyObsessed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“What- what was that?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“An anxiety attack Jim,”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Jim blinked at him for a moment, “What? No,” He said with a misguided sense of certainty, “No. It wasn’t- I mean, I-I know what a..?” He trailed off.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“They don’t all look the same Jim,” He explained to him gently, eyes soft and honest, “There isn’t a formula to something like this, humans are too messy for that,”</i>
</p><p>---</p><p>Sometimes working out what's going on in your own head feels like a never ending battle.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Where You Stand, I Stand [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1572697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>119</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Art of Relaxation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Whatever Leonard was expecting to see in his office door when he looked up, it wasn’t this. It definitely wasn’t this.</p><p>It wasn’t an agitated Jim Kirk, one hand gripping at his hair, pulling at it, while his other grabbed the doorframe just as determinedly. There was a frantic quality to the look in his eyes, wide and unkempt as his whole body <em>thrummed</em> with an energy so intense he was practically vibrating from it.</p><p>“I. Can’t. Calm. <em>Down</em>,” He managed to get out, the words practically spat into the room in between harsh breaths. Harsh, but steady. Okay, Leonard could work with that, watching as Jim drew in another few. They were frantic, but they were deep, even enough that he was actually a little uncertain what they were dealing with here. This wasn't typical for Jim.</p><p>“Woah, okay. Okay. That’s fine,” He promised his husband, because Jim’s eyes were <em>pleading </em>with him for some kind of help, confusion and uncertainty radiating off him as clearly as the anxious energy he was dispelling into the room, “That’s fine Jim. Just, come in. Come in and we’ll get you settled,” He said gently, closing the report he’d been attempting to write without question, squaring away his work so Jim could have his full attention.</p><p>Jim did come in, came all the way into his office and didn’t stop moving for a damn minute. He paced the length of it twice before Leonard could rise from his chair and place steady hands on his upper arms, stopping the movement.</p><p>Jim was shaking. Damn.</p><p>“Something’s got you good, huh?” Leonard asked, smoothing one palm over Jim’s forehead to push back his hair.</p><p>“I don’t- I don’t know what’s happening,” And when he spoke there was a desperation in every word that nearly knocked Leonard on his ass, “I don’t – <em>Bones</em>. Bones, I don’t know what this <em>is</em>,” The words were confused, but he was speaking in whole sentences without gasping for a breath, managing to communicate just fine. Good. That was all good.</p><p>“That’s alright sugar,” He promised easily, keeping his face deliberately calm, “You don’t gotta know everything all the time,”</p><p>Jim stared at him for a long moment, trembling under his hands before giving a tense nod. It was humbling sometimes, how readily he gave Leonard his trust. Gave Leonard his everything.</p><p>He steered them towards the couch at the back of the room, settling a hand low and steady on Jim’s back to bring him along, even what he started shaking his head.</p><p>“Tried it,” Jim attempted to explain, “Can’t sit <em>still</em>,”</p><p>But Leonard just shushed him, getting them situated until he was sitting longways across the couch, his back against the arm and legs stretched out with Jim tucked against him. He looked deceptively relaxed like this, tucked between Leonard’s body and the back of the couch, curled up tight to Leonard’s side. He wasn't though. Leonard could still feel the tension in him, so intense Jim clearly didn't know what to do with all of it.</p><p>Jim’s face was almost instantly buried in that safe spot between his neck and his shoulder, pressing in close like he had a million times before and Leonard gave him a moment longer to get settled, bringing a hand up to run through his hair, encouraging him closer.</p><p>“There,” He murmured, pitching his voice low to try and create a slightly calmer atmosphere, “That’s better. Now I’ve got you right where I want you,” He teased gently, flesh hand settling over Jim’s ribs, frowning at the staining, tense muscles he found there.</p><p>“Just you take some breaths, okay? Nice and easy,” Leonard pressed on, “Listen to mine, okay?”</p><p>“That’s not- I can breathe just <em>fine</em> Bones,” Jim’s frustrated voice came out slightly muffled, but no less distressed because of it.</p><p>Despite Jim’s protests though, Leonard felt his breathing pattern shift, felt him try and match each breath to the calm ones Leonard was taking. For a moment it looked as though it might work, that the familiar routine of the pair of them breathing together would be enough to calm him down some.</p><p>Except, Jim was focusing <em>too</em> carefully, all the nervous energy needing an outlet. He went from focused to <em>fixated</em> at lightning speed, trying to match their breaths up <em>exactly</em>, cutting off inhales and stuttering at the end of exhales.</p><p>Leonard sighed, “Not like that darlin’,” He murmured gently, “You don’t have to concentrate so hard,”</p><p>“But you said-“</p><p>“I know. I know,” He conceded, “But you’re so <em>hyper</em> aware of my breathing right now, it’s doing more bad than good. Just, relax,” He hummed, the hand on Jim’s side beginning to trail up and down, “Don’t focus so hard on each individual breath. Just let it wash over you, settle into it,”</p><p>And hesitantly Jim managed it, focusing less on his own breathing and instead allowing the familiar sounds of Leonard’s to bring him further back from the anxiety ridden hell he’d worked himself up to.</p><p>“There. There, that’s better,” He encouraged softly, though Jim was still tense and trembling beside him, “What’re you feeling right now?”</p><p>“Feels like I need to be doing something, but I don’t know <em>what</em>,” Jim got out after a moment’s thought, “I have this itch to be moving, too do <em>something</em>, but everything I started I couldn’t <em>focus</em> on. I feel like I’m about to vibrate out my damn skin and I can’t calm down. I <em>can’t,”</em></p><p>He was getting worked up again, and that was something Leonard couldn’t allow, “Shh, stop that now,” He murmured, “You’re plenty calmer than you were when you came in here, just give it time,”</p><p>He hummed idly to himself for a moment, waiting to see if Jim would start to relax on his own. He wasn't surprised when he didn’t though, when that tense tremble didn't abate.</p><p>“This is stupid, maybe I should-“</p><p>“I want you to focus on your body for moment,” Leonard interrupted immediately, because it was abundantly clear to him that Jim wasn't okay right now, and he didn't want a less than okay Jim trying to fix this on his own, “Feel how tense all your muscles are?”</p><p>“I can’t help it, I-“</p><p>“I know darlin’, I aint blaming you. Just pointing out what we need to work on, okay?” He promised hastily at Jim’s hurt tone, scratching lightly at Jim’s scalp to distract him for a moment, thinking about how best to go about this.</p><p>“Let’s start small,” He murmured eventually, “See this hand? See if you can relax it, that’s all you have to do. Finger by finger if you have to,” He coaxed quietly, tapping the hand that was curled desperately into his top, “That’s it, that’s good. That’s real good Jim. Now, can you imagine that spreading up your arm? Relax all the way up to your shoulder if you can, that’s it. Imagine your arm going liquid against me. I’ve got you, just relax into me now,”</p><p>It took an agonisingly long time, but eventually they ran through the exercise on all four of Jim’s limbs, until he was no longer <em>clinging</em> to Leonard quite so desperately.</p><p>“Good. That’s better, huh? Almost there,” He praised gently, because Jim thrived on that. Slowly, he ran his flesh hand up Jim’s side until he could press it flat against the still straining muscles between his shoulders, “Almost there. Just focus on my hand now, feel the heat? Good. Just imagine that heat spreading out, sinking in to all those sore muscles. Can you feel it?”</p><p>There was a hesitant moment before Jim let out a determined breath and nodded.</p><p>“Good. That’s real good. Focus on that, okay? Let all that tension go Jim, let it go,”</p><p>“I <em>can’t. </em>I can’t-“</p><p>“Shh, yes you can sugar,” He murmured, “Just lean into me now, you’re doing so well. Feel how much calmer you already are, hmm?” He questioned as his hand ran warm, steady passes up and down his spine, resting over areas of tension as he found them, “Just focus on my hand now, you can do it. Relax,”</p><p>And eventually Jim did, guided there by Leonard’s body, by the comfort he could provide from simply being there when Jim needed him.</p><p>Quietly, he called for the computer to dim the lights, hand migrating to the small of Jim’s back as he encouraged his husband even closer into the safety he was so freely offering, “There you go, that’s better, huh?” He commented mildly, chuckling softly at the boneless hum of agreement he got in return, Jim now liquid against him.</p><p>And that <em>was</em> better. That was <em>much </em>better, Jim’s body now relaxed and pliant in his arms, though he could tell simply by Jim’s still hammering heart that his mind wasn’t in a similar state.</p><p>“Hmm? Oh. Yeah,” Jim agreed eventually sounding a little startled, further confirming Leonard’s observation that Jim wasn’t fully <em>with him </em>yet.</p><p>Despite his concern however, he couldn’t help one side of his mouth from twitching upwards when Jim curled in even closer, rubbing his cheek slightly against his collarbone. He wasn’t in the least bit surprised as cold fingers wormed their way up under his top, splaying out over his ribs with a faint tremble that abated as soon as that contact was established- as soon as Jim was <em>touching </em>him. He didn’t hesitate to slip his finger’s under Jim’s own top, tracing gentle patterns on the small of Jim’s back, grinning slightly as Jim let out a happy little sigh.</p><p>He’d never met someone who needed touch to ground themselves as much as Jim Kirk, would always wonder if that was the reason Jim had fallen into his bed long before he’d ever made a play for Leonard’s heart.</p><p>“You want me to take it off kid?” He asked after a moment of Jim’s fingers wandering under his blues, seeking out more and more contact.</p><p>There was a long pause before, “… it’s okay,” Jim mumbled, but he’d hesitated for long enough that Leonard knew he didn’t mean it.</p><p>Jim whined as he was momentarily dislodged, though he all but collapsed back against Leonard’s chest after he’d shucked his uniform top, settling his ear over the exact spot he knew Leonard’s heart would be the loudest with a contented sigh that made Leonard’s chest hurt a little. It was comical how quickly Jim always responded to Leonard holding him like this.</p><p>His prosthetic hand settled back in Jim’s hair, scratching lightly at the nape of Jim’s neck in the way he knew made his husband’s toes curl. Absently he wondered if it felt different, to be held by a mechanical arm, by one that wasn’t flesh and bone. Wondered if Jim missed the embraces, he’s <em>used </em>to be able to give, as desperate as his husband often was for skin contact. Wondered if his new arm didn’t quite cut it… if he was letting Jim down in some way.</p><p>If Jim hadn’t still been in such a state, he might have mentioned it, but as the moments stretched out it was clear that something was still bothering his husband, and he knew they’d be here for a while longer yet.</p><p>“Shh, it’s okay Jim. Whatever it is, it’s okay. I’m right here,” He promised, “’m not going anywhere,”</p><p>And oh, that was odd. Jim had tensed up again, just slightly and just for a moment as Leonard had said those last few words, flinched in his arms as though it was the promise not to leave that had evoked the negative reaction. Well, they’d certainly be addressing <em>that</em> later.</p><p>“That brain of yours is still going at a million miles a minute,” Leonard sighed softly.</p><p>“How can you..?” Jim trailed off guiltily, confirming that Leonard had hit the nail on the head.</p><p>He didn’t even deign that with an answer. Other than being Jim’s husband and just <em>knowing </em>him, Jim’s fingers were still tracing and moving and rubbing at Leonard’s side and ribs, a kind of twitchy, sensory motion that he knew Jim wouldn’t feel the need to do if he’d been entirely calm right now.</p><p>Jim might be relaxed, but he sure as hell wasn’t at peace.</p><p>“What’s the calmest you’ve ever felt?” Leonard asked softly after a moment, artificial fingers cupping Jim’s cheek to tilt his face up, looking down at him with soft eyes when Jim came with no complaint, pliant and trusting against his chest.</p><p>“What? Uh… why?” Jim asked, blinking in confusion. His eyebrows scrunched together in the gentlest look of confusion and Leonard couldn’t help but lean forward and press a feather light kiss against that very spot until his face smoothed back out again.</p><p>“Humour me,” He murmured. Jim sighed but acquiesced and when he turned his face back into Leonard’s neck to think Leonard let him go.</p><p>Long moments stretched out into minutes before Jim answered him, “The first night of our honeymoon,” Jim murmured eventually, his breath brushing along Leonards neck. He couldn’t quite help his grin at the words, or the fondness that crept into his eyes as he gazed down at the man in his arms.</p><p>“Oh yeah? What part are we talking about exactly? Because I can think of a <em>several</em> highlights, but I wouldn’t exactly call you <em>relaxed</em> during them,” He answered back, raising an eyebrow as Jim glanced up at him voluntarily for the first time since he’d sat them on this couch. Good.</p><p>Jim’s amused snort was like music to his damn ears. He didn’t even mind when Jim smacked gently at his chest in reaction to the comment, didn’t mind at all because Jim was actually grinning a little, “Before your ego totally consumes you, you should probably know you were actually asleep for this particular memory,”</p><p>“Hold on, you’re telling me you’re at your calmest when I’m not even <em>awake</em>?” Leonard shot back instantly, doing his best to appear affronted when his heart was so, so goddamn <em>full</em>.</p><p>“Uh yeah, I guess I am,” Jim realised with a genuine laugh and Leonard could only pretend to grumble about that because if Jim was laughing they were well on their way to getting him back in bed for the night.</p><p>“You were… you were just- just lying there,” Jim murmured after a moment, his voice impossibly soft and his eyes earnest as he gazed up at him, as though this was suddenly the most important thing in the world.</p><p>“As I often am when I’m sleeping,” Lenard couldn’t help but drawl, but he did stroke Jim’s hair back out of his eyes with gentle fingers to soften the words.</p><p>Jim’s exasperated smile was goddamn radiant, “And- I don’t know. I just… I guess I just realised that you were <em>mine</em>,” Jim whispered.</p><p>Jim, to this day, had an uncanny way of sucker punching him in the damn chest. Could so effectively catch him off guard and make him feel so freaking <em>loved</em> that for a moment Leonard didn’t know what to do with himself. Damn him.</p><p>He managed to clear his throat after a moment, “I was yours long before we got married Jim,” He pointed out, a little hoarsely.</p><p>“No, I know. I know,” Jim promised, nodding, his head bumping off Leonard’s chin, “But this was our <em>wedding night</em> and- and… I guess it just kind of hit me,”</p><p>“What did?” Leonard all but whispered when it became clear Jim needed a little prompting, that he’d gotten as far as he could on his own.</p><p>A long moment passed while Jim tried to gather his thoughts into some semblance of an answer, though Leonard would never fault him for that. The fact that Jim was <em>trying </em>was enough.</p><p>“That you were staying,” Jim choked out eventually, “That you were mine and you were <em>staying,”</em></p><p>Leonard wasn’t proud of the noise he made in response to that, a sort of wounded sound as he clutched Jim even closer to him, pulled him in tight and wrapped him up the way Jim liked.</p><p>God.</p><p>Leonard knew about all the people that had walked out of Jim’s life so he also knew, he <em>knew</em>, what someone sticking around meant to Jim. Knew what that realisation must have felt like.</p><p>“Jim. <em>Always</em>. I was always…” He started to choke out, his throat closing up on him as he worked around the ball of emotion.</p><p>“I know,” Jim interrupted him, looking up at him with wide, wet eyes that were so goddamn sincere that Leonard could stop himself from pulling Jim further up the couch so he could kiss that look right of his face.</p><p>It was almost frantic, the way they came together, each searching for something different in that kiss, looking for reassurance and absolution and damn him for loving James Kirk so much that he could barely tell the difference between the two anymore.</p><p>Jim was panting when he pulled back, but his eyes were at peace and Leonard guided him back into his arms as they caught their breath, allowing the dark to drag them to a calm space. Before Jim, Leonard hadn’t even realised it was possible to feel loved so <em>much</em> you had to recover from it.</p><p>When he <em>did </em>recover, the change in Jim could be seen instantly. He could feel how those last awful traces of anxiety had been chased away, “Better?” He asked, though he already knew the answer.</p><p>Blearily Jim nodded into his chest, breaths deep and even, as though he were already asleep, “Yeah,” He confirmed, and he opened his mouth as though he had more to say, before stalling out and closing it again.</p><p>“What is it?” Leonard prodded gently.</p><p>“What- what <em>was </em>that?” Jim managed to get out after some time, turning apprehensive eyes to look up at Leonard, who was genuinely surprised that Jim hadn’t already worked it out on his own.</p><p>“An anxiety attack Jim,” He murmured gently and without a single trace of judgement.</p><p>Jim blinked at him for a moment, “What? No,” He said with a misguided sense of certainty, “No. It wasn’t- I mean, I-I know what..?” He trailed off, wide eyes begging for the explanation that Leonard had ready.</p><p>He knew exactly what Jim was thinking. Knew that right now he was dissecting every single thing that had happened and was comparing it to what he <em>thought </em>an attack was. What he thought it had to be. That he was remembering all the times he’d turned up in Leonard’s office, or shot awake in their bed, dissociating and unable to breathe round his panic. And the two clearly didn’t match up in his head.</p><p>“They don’t all look the same Jim,” He explained to him gently, eyes soft and honest, “There isn’t a formula to something like this, humans are too messy for that,”</p><p>“But-but… I could breathe just fine and-and it wasn’t like-“</p><p>“Jim, we could have powered half the engines on the anxious energy you were giving off,” He interrupted before Jim could work himself up over this.</p><p>“Oh,”</p><p>And Leonard could feel him processing that, so he let him be for the moment, allowed him to work through it at his own pace.</p><p>“Will it- will it happen again?” And the words were heartbreakingly unsure, but Leonard was a doctor and he’d faced questions such as these so many times in his career that he tried to pretend they didn’t affect him.</p><p>They did though, of course they did, because it was <em>Jim.</em></p><p>He hummed low in his chest for a moment before answering, “It might,” He conceded, “But now you know what it is and how to recognise it we can work out different ways to cope with it,”</p><p>Jim didn’t say anything, just mumbled non-committedly, and actually that wasn’t enough for Leonard’s peace of mind.</p><p>“You just… <em>we</em> just have to figure out ways to dispel of that excess energy before it builds to the point it did tonight, that’s all,” He reassured, though he made sure that his tone never once slipped into anything that could be classed as dismissive.</p><p>Jim lifted his head to look at him, tired and bleary but for the first time looking like he <em>understood, </em>“You’re saying I need a conductor?” He asked.</p><p>Leonard couldn’t help but snort a little at that gross oversimplification, eyes fond. Trust Jim to put all that into terms he was more familiar with. Excess energy needed a conductor to control it, of course Jim would think like that. Leonard could work with that though, knew the familiarity would be good.</p><p>“Sure, if you like,” He agreed with a gentle smile, “Never heard it put quite like <em>that </em>before, but if you like,”</p><p>And suddenly Jim smiled up at him and it was downright <em>dopey </em>in it’s exhaustion, Jim no doubt half delirious from how tired he had to be, but there was something almost playful in his eyes that Leonard didn't understand until- “Will you be my lightening rod?”</p><p>And he couldn't help himself, he laughed. He chuckled heartily as he gathered Jim up closer, staring into those familiar eyes that looked far too pleased with themselves.</p><p>“That is,” He started, pressing a chaste kiss to Jim’s lips, “Beyond a shadow of a doubt,” Another kiss, “The least romantic thing," Another, "You have ever called me,” <em>Another</em>, “In your <em>entire</em> life,”</p><p>Somehow Jim called up the energy for a devious grin, “Well-“</p><p>“Nuh uh,” He interrupted swiftly, already one step ahead, “No comments about rods,” He said sternly, though he was just happy enough that Jim was up for this kind of joking that he absolutely doesn’t mean what he said.</p><p>“Fine,” Jim huffed long-sufferingly, though he snuggled quite happily back into Leonard’s arms like the damn cuddler that he is, “’m tired,” He admitted softly after a moment.</p><p>“I’m not surprised,” Leonard agreed, wincing at the tense way Jim had been holding himself, not even wanting to think about how long he’d been like that before he’s sought help, though he desperately wanted to know. He wanted to know <em>everything- what</em> caused it and how it started and how it had built to <em>this-</em> but that would be a conversation for another day. A conversation for when Jim was rested and ready to talk about it.</p><p>“Do you want to head back to bed?”</p><p>Hesitation, “Will you be there?”</p><p>Leonard sighed, “I’m afraid not kid, I’m on call for the rest of the night,” He admitted, though Jim likely already knew that.</p><p>“Then no,” Jim said simply, and Leonard tried not to be frustrated with the situation, and certainly not at Jim who’d been trying so <em>hard </em>all night.</p><p>“Mmm, okay,” Leonard agreed dubiously, “You want me to set up the cot? …No?” He asked in surprised confusion as Jim started shaking his head instantly.</p><p>“Right here,” Jim all but begged, settling himself more fully against Leonard.</p><p>They should talk about this, Leonard knew. Should talk about Jim’s sudden aversion to lying on anything associated with sleep because usually that meant Jim had started associating it with nightmares again and Leonard had missed exactly when that transition had happened.</p><p>But when he looked down at Jim’s face, all exhausted and pleading, he already knew he could deny him nothing, already knew that he’d be working from this couch for the rest of his shift.</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>“Let me up to get my PADD’s then,”</p><p>And the relieved grin on Jim’s face made it all worth it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Was this entire fic just an excuse to write a gratuitously long cuddling situtaion? Yes. Yes it was.</p><p>I honestly had no intentions of writing this fic, it just sort of came at me with no explanation and demanded to be posted? I've never written anything from Leonard's point of view before, so be kind with me! It was a bit of an experiment... how'd I do?</p><p>Also, a huge shout out to everyone like me who's trying to work out what's going on with their own heads and their mental health in these strange locked-down times. I see you, I love you and you're doing great &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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